One-Oh-One

Five Courses That Can Improve My Existence

1. HNTBB (How Not To Be A Bitch) 101. For close-to-hopeless cases only. This includes learning how to keep your mouth shut when you want to tell your manager that you can't work with him because you dislike him, making good first impressions in select cases wherein the reputation that you want to get rid of miraculously did not precede you, knowing how to crack jokes and making people know that you are joking and not bitching at them, and showing that you really care even though the person that you are speaking with has an IQ that is still less than yours even though it has been multiplied by two. Course may be repeated a number of times until you have accepted that you were wired to be Public Enemy Number One.



2. HNTLF (How Not To Lose Friends) 101. A co-requisite of HNTBB 101. This includes keeping a running poll and journal of how many friends you still have, tips on what to say about your friends and stories to tell when talking about them to strangers or his mere acquaintances, ways to avoid sleeping with your friends and/or people who are important to them, knowing where to draw the line and not crossing it deliberately or by accident (i.e. being the key factor to a taboo topic such as gender and sexuality), and how to keep in touch with those you have not offended yet but live in a galaxy far, far away.



3. Nutrition Facts 101. A rigid course that includes really watching your carbohydrate intake while on a low-carb diet, not going for that eleventh cocktail drink, sticking to water instead of that sugar-laced drink in a bottle, knowing why a bag of chips cannot be considered a meal, finding the correct pill cocktail to nurse different degrees of hangovers, losing all that flab around your waist without relying on a laxative to work instant but short-term miracles, and reasons why just having sex or walking around the office is not an effective exercise program as enrolling in a gym or jogging every morning.



4. CDOC (Cutting Down On Covetousness) 101. Includes exercises on talking yourself out of buying that aquamarine Levi's shirt with a cow printed on it and that Nike braided Brazil Futbol belt when your closet is overflowing, drawing the line on buying just one pair of Steve Madden shoes instead of five, buying clothes at shops like Hang Ten or Human and liking it, daily exercises on learning how to categorize material things into the following categories: Needs (e.g. food), Wants (e.g. Cole Haans), and Irrelevant To Existence (But Can Certainly Make Life Worth Living <----- please erase this!!! e.g. four handcuffs and kinky dice), and not to think about shopping at all because covetousness takes place in the mind.



5. SILYIVW (Saying I Love You In Various Ways) 101. A crash course for you to keep the guy/girl that you have (if you have one to begin with) until Valentine's Day, at the earliest. This course will help you come up with innovative ideas on different types of kisses and hugs that you can send online or through text messaging, the right things and the right gestures at the right moment and not to rely on your instincts, fresh and naughty ways to turn him/her on, the correct gift to give his/her mother when you are invited to dinner for a Kodak moment with his family, being beautiful in the morning or after a long day at the office, and saying "I love you" in millions of other ways so that he will not get bored. This course will not allow both people of a relationship to enroll in one class because this might lead to the dissipation of the magic we are trying to create.

It's fun to have classmates. Do you want to join me?